The all is fair in love and war meaning is easy to state and surprisingly slippery in practice.
The proverb says that in romance and in conflict, people may use any tactic to win, and the normal rules of fairness do not apply. But where does it come from, who said it first and does it still make sense as advice?
This guide explains the meaning, traces the written history using a reference on phrase origins, shows how the saying is used and then asks whether it is a good rule for relationships. It also separates what can be documented from what is only repeated.
Key Takeaways
- The all is fair in love and war meaning is that any tactic is acceptable in romance or conflict.
- The earliest source often cited is John Lyly’s Euphues, published in 1578, but the line there is a loose parallel and not the modern wording.
- A 1620 English translation of Don Quixote and a 1717 play are cited as closer forms, and the wording used today appears in 1789 according to one reference.
- The proverb is figurative and is often used to excuse behavior, though relationship guidance from West Virginia University warns that manipulative and controlling behavior can be signs of abuse.
- Sources disagree on first use, so any single “who said it” answer should be held loosely.
All Is Fair in Love and War Meaning in Plain English
The all is fair in love and war meaning is that, in a competition for love or in a war, the ordinary rules of fair play do not apply.
A person who says it is usually excusing a bold or sneaky move: asking out a friend’s ex, lying to a rival, making a surprise grand gesture. The saying treats both love and war as contests with high stakes, in which winning matters more than manners.
Notice that the proverb describes an attitude and does not state a fact. Nobody actually believes everything is allowed in a war, and the saying is figurative. It is closer to a shrug than a rule, and it is often used after the fact to justify behavior rather than before it.
Where Does the Proverb Come From? The Documented Origin
The Phrase Finder, a reference on phrase origins, gives the meaning and earliest citations of the saying. Its author lists four reference points, each of which is looser than a clean first use.
- 1578: John Lyly’s Euphues, the Anatomy of Wyt. The page quotes, “Anye impietie may lawfully be committed in love, which is lawlesse.” The author calls this the first example he knows of, and notes it is about impiety in love and not strategy.
- 1620: Thomas Shelton’s English translation of Cervantes’ Don Quixote, which renders a Spanish line meaning that love and war are one and the same thing. It expresses the idea, not the exact wording.
- 1717: William Taverner’s play The Artful Husband, with a line close to the present form: “All advantages are fair in Love and War.”
- 1789: The Relapse, or Myrtle Bank, which the page identifies as the first appearance of the wording used today.
The page itself hedges. It calls the 1578 line the first example it knows of, and says the idea existed in other forms and languages that may have been lost. That caution matters, because many sites state a single origin with more confidence than the evidence allows.
Who Said All Is Fair in Love and War?
There is no single person who can be named with confidence. Wikipedia’s entry on Euphues says the proverb has been attributed to Lyly’s book, which was entered in the Stationers’ Register on 2 December 1578, but it does not state that the phrase appears word for word in the text.
The Phrase Finder is more careful still, treating Lyly’s line as a loose parallel.
So the honest answer to who said all is fair in love and war is that the idea is old, appears in several forms across more than two centuries and reached its current wording by the late 1700s according to the reference above.
Other sources may name later authors or popularizers, but this guide did not verify those claims, so it does not repeat them.
What Is Euphues, and Why Does It Keep Coming Up?
Euphues: The Anatomy of Wit is a didactic romance by John Lyly, according to Wikipedia, followed by Euphues and his England. The title comes from a Greek word meaning roughly graceful or witty. Its ornate style, with parallel constructions, gave rise to the term euphuism.
The book is often cited in discussions of the proverb because it is among the earliest English works that links love with lawlessness. Whether it truly contains the proverb is the part the evidence leaves open.
How the Saying Is Used Today
People use the saying in three common ways.
- Playful: “I took the last slice, all’s fair in love and war.” The tone is teasing.
- Competitive: Two friends going for the same job or the same date might joke that all is fair in love and war.
- Excusing: After doing something questionable, a person may use the saying to deflect blame.
The first two uses are mild. The third is where the proverb becomes a problem, because it can turn into a license for deception. When you hear it said seriously, it is worth asking what exactly is being excused.
Everything Is Fair in Love and War: Variations
The sources reviewed list “all advantages are fair” and the Spanish source line for Don Quixote, and common variations today include everything is fair in love and war, all’s fair in love and war and all is fair in love and war. The meaning is the same in each.
In speech, the shorter, contracted form is the most common. None of the sources reviewed treats one version as more correct than the others, although the 1789 wording is described as the first appearance of the modern phrase.
Is the All Is Fair in Love and War Meaning Good Advice for Relationships?
This is where the all is fair in love and war meaning runs into research. West Virginia University’s health team, in its guide to what defines a healthy relationship, lists honest communication, mutual respect and trust, shared values and goals, teamwork and consent as foundations.
It lists controlling or manipulative behavior, false accusations, denying harmful behavior and isolating a partner from other people among the signs of abuse. A strict reading of “everything is fair” conflicts with all of these.
Other research points the same way. Gottman’s work, summarized by a therapist in an article on the four horsemen, names contempt as a pattern that can predict the end of a relationship.
It also recommends a culture of appreciation and a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. These are not the habits of a contest in which anything goes.
When “All Is Fair” Might Be a Fair Description
There is a reasonable reading of the proverb. Dating is competitive in some ways: you may feel pulled to make a bold gesture, write a heartfelt message or take a risk when someone else is also interested.
Taking an honest risk is not the same as deception. The sensible version of the saying is that love rewards courage, not that it excuses cruelty.
Using the Phrase Well in Writing and Speech
If you plan to use the proverb, think about the audience. In a joking context, it works. In a serious one, such as a workplace dispute or a breakup, it can sound like an excuse.
In writing, consider if you mean the all is fair in love and war meaning in its literal sense or an ironic one. If you are quoting the origin, be careful to say that the earliest source cited is a loose parallel, not the identical phrase.
Common Misreadings
Several misreadings are worth avoiding. First, “all is fair” does not mean anything is legally or morally acceptable. Second, it does not describe actual war, where limits exist.
Third, it does not prove that people in love are naturally ruthless. And fourth, the date 1578 is not the date of the modern phrase.
BitComfy covers related ground in its guides to how to make him obsessed with you and healthy relationship tips.
What the Sources Do Not Tell You
This guide relies on a single reference for the sequence of citations and on Wikipedia for background on Euphues. Neither reproduces the original texts, and the reference admits its dating relies on the author’s own research.
Other sources may offer later authors or earlier forms, which this guide has not checked. If you need a precise origin for academic work, consult the Oxford English Dictionary or a dictionary of proverbs.
FAQs
What is the all is fair in love and war meaning?
It means that in romance or conflict, any tactic is acceptable and ordinary rules of fairness do not apply. It is figurative.
Who said all is fair in love and war?
No single person can be named with confidence. John Lyly’s 1578 Euphues is often cited, but the line there is a loose parallel.
When did the modern wording first appear?
One reference identifies The Relapse, or Myrtle Bank, in 1789 as the first appearance of the wording used today.
Is it good advice in a relationship?
Not as a rule. Relationship guidance from West Virginia University lists manipulative and controlling behavior among the signs of abuse.
Are “all’s fair” and “everything is fair” the same?
Yes. They are variations of the same proverb with the same meaning.
Conclusion
The all is fair in love and war meaning is a figurative shrug: in a contest for love or in conflict, people may bend the ordinary rules. The written history goes back to Lyly’s 1578 Euphues, passes through a 1620 translation of Don Quixote and a 1717 play, and reaches the modern wording by 1789, according to one reference.
Sources disagree on first use, so hold any single origin story loosely. As advice, the saying fails the test of relationship research, which favors honesty, respect and consent. Your next step is to use the phrase playfully and drop it whenever it starts to excuse real harm.
